Sick of My "Phony" Self
Apr 1 - Okay this is it. I am SO damn sick of being so absolutely
phony. YES, I'm using Catcher vocabulary 'cuz I absolutely mean it.
BTW, I'm really forcing myself to write right now, I am in NO damn
mood to even lift a finger onto a keyboard. Of course I want these
thoughts out of my head, but I'm just soo not in a mood to do
anything. I would just collapse and sleep, but I know I won't. I
can't go to sleep feeling like this.
I am such a phony. I am such a goddamn phony. This is probably
the most really meaningful thing I've said in years, because I
actually mean it, no dishonesty, no insincerity at all. Why the hell
do I keep hiding myself behind either (a) a wall of uncaring, (b)
"i'm perfectly fine", (c) some other BS. I've just gotten
SO used to not even caring for how I really feel. That's my problem.
(notice I'm just thinking things up as a go along--I'm just gonna
write whatever comes to my mind--i've got to get out of this
phoniness). I spend far too much time thinking and planning about
how what I say will mean to whoever takes it in that I'm just losing
myself, as MYSELF. I've become so good at it that I actually sound
normal doing it. That's the really bad thing. How the hell
did this happen. The thing I really hate though is how its getting
worse... God dammit, I lost my train of thought...
Wouldn't it be nice if I was psychic...
I actually mean more than just for convenience. If I was psychic,
I wouldn't be feeling like I do now in the first place. (I need to
get these thoughts out--im gonna keep writing) Why can't anyone see
beyond my phoniness--beyond what I present myself to be? Have i just
become soo good at hiding whatever real self I have for what I WANT
to present myself as that it doesn't even show anymore? No wait...
actually, I think that its because for most of the people that I'm
surrounded my now, this is the only ALEX that they've ever seen.
it's like I'm a completely different person. It isn't the first time
it's happened. Every time i moved I had a different life, a
different self. WHY do I feel so phony now and not before? What is
the real me then? If what I've been for the past several years is
just a FRONT that I've put up for myself then who the hell am I? Who
the hell is the person that the ppl around me know? If not me, then
who?
God I wish I was psychic--then I wouldn't be having this problem
with false images. Then maybe I would know who I really am, because
I really don't know anymore. But since I'm not I might as well
change. The thing is, I've become so used to hiding my thoughts, my
emotions, and giving people the "good friend treatment"
(which I might as well patent) -- that even my "psychic
buddy" doesn't even know me. I think that's what's really
getting to me. I've put up so many layers of "protection"
for my real self that NOBODY knows me really or understands. But
that's not completely true either... (so damn complex)...
I don't think I've ever outwardly lied -- I mean, what I
show to other people is really just what I want to show to them,
it's not like I make up how I feel. This comes back to the "who
am I" question... (I'm sure Nick would enjoy this debate). To
other people, does it matter who I am? If the person they know is
just a phony (which I think everyone is, to some extent) then would
it be better to get through the mask and see the real face? Or is it
just better this way? Hmm...
I think I'd feel much better with the former. My cousin had a
really good quote on something like this... Okay i can't find it cuz
she ain't online and her site is messed, but it went something like:
i would rather have you hate me for what i am, than like me for what
i'm not". It's just a feeling of being understood, whether or
not you're being liked or hated. I don't like being a phony anymore.
It would be fine if being phony was all good, and I'm sure that
hiding one's self is good sometimes, but its just too hard to
maintain. You can't really stand strongly for a point that
your phony self made because it's not something you might
really believe, and its not really YOU that you're standing up for.
It's too easy to rationalize whatever the phony-self might say or
even take from others as being "not me". I know this is
definitely true.
Honestly, my phony self hasn't helped me at all, especially
closer people. I think that's why I can always talk to J --
I'm being my, uncensored, un-filtrated self -- cuz I don't have
to care about how I present myself or how I or my views get
accepted. it's like.. releasing the big safety valve. It's a good feeling.
Or maybe its just the arguing part of it--cuz when I'm actually into
a heated debate, I let my real thoughts out.
Okay, I think I sorted my thoughts out a bit Damn, I feel so much
better having gotten this down--good reflection good reflection.
(God why the hell do I smell like fruity lotion?) Wow, this is a
real epiphany (Mrs. Hitzeman would be proud!) -- I've finally
realized the core of my problem. I know what's been killin' me!!!
That's a great weight off my chest. What do I need to do about it?
Okay, this is gonna be hard: i need to break my habit of
thinking so much, but not just any thinking. I'm realizing that when
I'm actually THINKING, I'm really just making up an opinion that's
not from my heart (sound's clichéd, but I need to get over
it--Schmitt would probably give me a chastising over this--WHY the
hell am I being reminded of teachers so much??). Screw all this
phony bullshit, I'm getting nothing out of it.
This was a good reflection. THIS is why I write journals.
"Sometimes the best way
to figure out who you are is to get to the place where you don't
have to be anything else."
Not
much to read for, that's granted---but hey, this reflection is for
ME, not for YOU.
