Darkness Falls

Another "normal" entry. Normal as in, I'm not trying to come up with random deep thoughts, or ranting some obscure problem to death. Happy Thanksgiving y'all!! (echoes across the vast plains of the universe…)

Things are quiet tonight... a deathly cold chill envelops my world... perfect. I need to be alone. Living life? Bah. I can do that later. I'd defer things until the end of this lifetime if it would make a difference in eternity--but for now, just till the end of this month is good enough.

But what is the price I'm paying? Seems like I've lost nothing... in fact I feel even better accomplishing all this work. Yet I know that my sacrifices will eventually cost more than I'm willing to bear. Blood? I don't mind paying in blood--blood grows back naturally. What is the price of this self-imposed isolation? Am I still a part of this world? What is this seperated existence...?

It only gets colder... a deep freeze over my life force...

The seasons come and go, yet the years do not. Some chances lost are lost forever; each step fallen behind means just that--a step behind where you could have been. Other opportunities, present themselves, but they are different. What's lost now is lost forever... and that price is far higher than blood. History may repeat itself, but lives do not. Every story is different, colored a different hue by virtue of individuality. My story is my story... and I fear that my story has taken a turn toward darker trails.

Everywhere I look things are painfully gray. Even this darkness has shades of gray... lit by an unnatural source beyond what I can comprehend on my own. But I can’t stay here—I need to move! Heart says, 'live! find drive...' mind says... 'wait...' so much more awaits... both sound a little too devilish, a little too... harshly realist; the resounding knell of God-given purpose.

What's a life without ideals? Blindly walking towards uncertainty, shades of gray too close to tell apart… the light of truth is no more than a dull directionless glow against the featureless expanse that encompasses far too much. Choices… I need choices.

No… I need You...  

Religious Labeling

Nov 14 2:41 AM - Okay that is IT. I hate labels. I've always hated labels. Labels are those words that supposedly speak so you don't have to. Why is that kid like that? Oh he's a "goth"--why is she so smart? She's Asian. We use these labels as answers for "why," when all they really say is the "what." And even that they don't do well .Sometimes they are useful. We can't always take time to explore every aspect of every person, but if we fall to constant labeling, then unconsciously, we don't take the time to understand them for not just what, but why they are. These labels are gross oversimplifications of reality, things just aren't as clear cut as they make them seem. Today, chaos ensued at our first Religious Roundtable Seminar because of a label I used for myself. I declared myself as a "liberal Christian" early on, mainly because I needed substance to back my beliefs (as I had very little biblical material in front of me) and in fact the term (loosely used) liberal Christianity includes many denominations, and many MILLIONS of people. But a lot of people, especially the more conservative Christians (i.e. Talia) either didn't seem to understand where I was coming from, but I think that ironically my labeling of my own self as "liberal" brought in some unintended connotations. Connotations like, deviant, false, not true to the text--things like that simply don't do justice to the complexity of my beliefs.

The fact that I interpreted the Bible rather than taking it in directly seemed to offend and confuse some of the conservative Christians. But there are obvious reasons for this. It is said that the Bible is timeless, to which I agree, but the meaning behind that assertion should be that the message of the Bible is timeless. If you can't agree with that much, then consider how many translations the Bible has undergone to reach the current King James, or NIV editions. The translators must have done their best to translate the original texts, but it is simply impossible to make a direct, meaning to meaning translation. In that sense, the Bible is much like poetry: make a literal translation and so much is lost in the words, but make a more denotative translation and at least some of the original message is translated. Think of the purpose of writing itself--why do we write? As my "Writing with a Purpose" book says, the purpose of writing is the transmission of ideas, and the ideas in the bible are far deeper than the words and stories. I don't need bible quotes to substantiate my claims here, fundamental logic is enough.

In that regard, I'd like to say that I in fact have not deviated from the original spirit of the texts--the message behind the words (which clearly have to be interpreted) is obviously more important than the words, stories, and parables used to deliver the message. Now granted that, and given the changes to our society, and even our definitions of certain seemingly absolutes at the time of the Bible's writing, must we not change our interpretations on how the biblical messages apply to our lives today? It's important to clarify here that changing our "interpretation" is not changing the message, but rather changing how we apply the texts so that the message remains the same. The Framers of the Constitution clearly wrote it to be flexible and to be able to support an evolving society. In the same way, the Bible's message, if truly meant to be timeless, must be adapted accordingly.

I hate myself for not being able to speak coherently today at RR. In my mind, I came up with an awesome string of ideas, clear in delivery, clear in logic, and just the right thing to say. But as I ran through the bullets in my head over and over, I kept getting lost in the order (going back and forth on my points), screwed up on extemporaneous delivery (I couldn't speak coherently for more than ten words at a time), and ultimately, failed to convince those conservatives, as well as falling in my own standards. Worst of all though, I think I undermined my own position. Talia is very smart, and very firm on her personal beliefs (something I respect greatly)--she knows what is believing, but as she said in her example (about accepting Truth over self-centered pride) she clearly showed her willingness to change if presented a solid enough case. And it is here that I have fallen on many fronts. By having such a weak showing the entire cause of "Liberal Christianity" was shamed, and for that reason, and more so, to avoid (unintentional) prejudice, I am renouncing the label "liberal Christian". No longer will I call myself by that label, no longer will that label be used to substantiate my views. I am a Christian, under God, following every precept dictated by the message of the Book, follower of the Son, and the Living God that is the Holy Spirit. In the end, that is what matters most about being a Christian. Religious fundamentalism is not just a anachronistic path, it goes against the message of the Bible. I see that, and (if I can present it right) I'm sure that other people will see that as well. But no more labels! I will continue to support the cause, but as of this moment, I renounce the label.

The Other Voice

…Something happened. I just made contact with a soul… a part of my past that I thought was gone. It felt so nice to know that the soul was still there, but at the same time, I can’t help but feel that I made a huge mistake. (For the purpose of the entry, let’s name this soul Bob) Ahh!!! I need to get this down… but I can’t!!!

Chill… patience…calm down… just write it… slowly. I’m gonna be so happy once this is done…

I thought that I had given up phoniness. I thought I found myself. I thought I had moved on! This is SO complicated! Everything is raging in my mind—ripping apart all the order that was there. Or that I thought was there. Oh God no, don’t tell me that I’ve been fooling myself all this time; like I did all through last year, and summer. I still remember the pain, the sheer hurt of the truth—like… oh no. Don’t tell me that my own soul, the most solid foundation of my existence, is just another stack of cards. No no noooooo!!

Come on… calm down. It’s not as bad as you think it is…

Who is that? Who is that voice that’s talking to me? I know it’s not who it used to be. Lex, you promised to stay where you were. Now who the hell are you?! Why is my mind so crazy with raging characters? Do all writers have to go through this? Or what, am I becoming schizophrenic now or something? What the hell is going on? I seriously think I need to take a break. Take a break from writing, from life, from existence… but I can’t. Not now, I have so much I need to do, the college apps I should have finished a month ago aren’t going away. I’m so precariously on the edge in school—any loss of focus and it’ll be a slow doom. So no, I can’t take a break. So what can I do?

            You can write.

Yes, dammit, weirdo voice in my head, I can write. And I will write. I’ll write about all the craziness going on in my life. All this hell that I swear I don’t deserve. I need to get this out. I need to talk with someone. I need to… no, I can’t talk this out—far too crazy. Like Buddha said, “Life’s greatest challenges we face alone.” But I don’t want to be alone! I don’t want to take all the blows, even from the ungloved hand of truth itself. It hurts. But more importantly, I don’t trust myself. And I don’t think that I, the great tortured hero of my story, would be able to face the fact that my entire reason for being is… not. If that was true. Is it true? Is it…?

            Is it?

I’m scared to look into my own soul. Even yesterday, my soul seemed crystl clear, like the purest lake of holy water. I thought I (if anyone) could see through all the layers of myself and see the truth—that pure energy that I was made of. But now… dammit I can’t see it. Something impure is swirling through that water… Something’s there. Voices. Lex—Bob—whatever—you kept me alive when I needed that internal support, but right now, like you said, I need to move on. Yes you bastard, Satan, I know you’re down there too. But I’m not scared of you. I’ve dealt with you all my life, and so has everyone that’s ever lived. But there’s more. It’s not just a lake… it’s an entire ocean.

            What are you scared of? You’re confusing yourself…

Confusing myself…? What… I don’t know. I’m done here.

Daily Ramble for November 5th

So it begins... once again I seem to be stuck in an endless cycle of nothingness. So much fuel to burn, but the right combination of sparks remain elusive. Haha... see? I can't even construct a coherent artistic sentence. I'm trying too hard, someone smack me. Well I know I promised that I wouldn't write junk entries about my daily life but... there's just so much to write about, that I can't touch upon all of them. So I better write them down before they fade away into the background, like so many things already have.

Grr... ( I can finally growl again) I'm sitting the usual place, my plushy swivel chair in my room, in front of the still novel looking, brand new 17" LCD screen. My mind's been raging lately, there's so much that I want to write about; stuff about life, my failures (big one recently), new story ideas, and other stuff that's just been going on. No artistry today, school, clubs, college applications, have finally taken their toll, and the NHS letter has finally given me the wake up call--I need to break out of this lackadaisical mold that I've gotten into. All right, yeah, that's right. Honestly this is a huge shame, but yes, I have "not been chosen to be inducted at this time." You know, people that care, I know you're going to say something along the lines of "it's only NHS," but you know what? That's an even bigger insult. It's only NHS and I still failed to get in. You know, I don't like to show it, but I'm used to thinking of myself as being able to do anything, as long as I had the conviction and passion. And... well, honestly, I didn't do my best with this application. I filled it out the day before it was due, and I even got one of my recommendations in an email on the day. I'm not trying to rationalize the size of the failure, what I am saying though is that I feel that I was misrepresented. But of course, that's my fault. And this is a big deal to me. In my years of high school, I've grown as a person so much... yet I haven't been able to show myself off. I haven't won any major awards, I haven't gotten any clear recognition. You might ask "I thought you didn't care what people thought of you?" but that only applies when I'm being myself, and am being seen for myself. When people judge me by something that I'm not, or something that doesn't represent my whole self, THEN that can bother me... okay I'm gonna continue this line of thought later--REALLY.

- UPDATED (11/11/2003 12:41 AM)- Okay well, let's see... where do I restart a reflection that I wrote a week ago... ok NHS--yeah, I figured out that the decision wasn't solely based on my rushed work--apparently... umm... one of my signatures wasn't quite by the person that it was supposed to be from? Okay fine, let me just say it bluntly, I had to "make" (not forge) one of the signatures because I forgot about it until the day it was due, and the person (even though I had his permission) couldn't sign it. To me it was a simple tweaking that needed to be done, but the teacher in charge thought otherwise. Even though there is legal precedent for something like what I did (legally one can sign if you have permission) she didn't really care--in her eyes it was illegal, and grounds for immediate rejection. So yeah... I'm not nearly as pissed at myself, and I'm glad I've gone to talk to her. I've been working under, around, and behind systems since freshmen year--when I jumped a year of math--it got me further than I would have gotten had I used the conventional methods, but... once in a while, it comes back and slaps me on the head... like NHS. But oh well... I don't know what lesson I should learn from this, other than to make sure I have time to get signatures. 

(11/5/2003 - 5:54) Okay this is retarded. This is total utter crap. All right, you know the personal statement I've been working on for the past week? No? Well, I have been working on a personal statement that's supposed to give the reader who I am as a person, and my first readers were supposed to be the admissions officers at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign--my backup school. What's retarded is that apparently, I have to apply as an "international student or refugee". Yeah, that's right, which also means that the state doesn't recognize me as a resident, which ALSO means that the cost for going to U of I is going to be around $38,500 a year. Which is bullcrap because we already pay income taxes, and in accordance to the new Illinois State Education Law, tax paying residents are considered residents of the state. $38,500... That's friggin' as high as Northwestern and U of C. Heck, even the private schools I'm applying to don't have tuition rate's that high. Okay okay, let me backtrack a little. Why do I need to apply international? Because I am not a U.S. citizen (I moved here when I was 13 months old) and I don't have a green card (which signifies permanent residency)--why not? Because my family moved to Korea again in 1995, right before we were about to get that status, and came back in 2000. The sad thing is, I'm gonna get that permanent residency in July of next year--but obviously by then, it'll be too late. This is SO retarded, I hate this system! No, I don't care if I'm being politically correct, but U of I has such a backwards system. I HATE that school, I honestly don't think I could stand going there.  First of all, it's a HUGE school, and even though the idea of completely immersing myself in everything has its appeal, professor to student relationships define the academic environment in a liberal arts education. Secondly, U of I doesn't even take SAT II scores into consideration. Now that is just BS, but its a trend that I've seen in U of I admissions. It would seem that they don't care about the individual--no wait, maybe that's a little too harsh. They don't care about the special qualities that make one person different from another. The rigid system just doesn't allow for the flexibility to make accommodations in special circumstances... special circumstances like mine. I've lived in the United States for twelve years of my life, from my early childhood through early adolescence, and from my early teen on. The fact that my status as a visa holder would preclude me from being treated the same as anyone else is kind of upsetting (to say the least). At least at Northwestern, it's only financial aid that I won't be getting, I don't mind having to input my visa class, because it's a truth--at least it doesn't change their view of me as an applicant.

On the plus side of the day, I've finally gotten to dive into the sophomore generation--a class that I unfortunately haven't had the honor of getting to know last year. A shocking number of them seem to think that I'm one of them or (*gasp*) a freshman! My conclusion is that I'm just that good at fitting in anywhere I want to.

Eleven/Eleven Duodecemunusphobia Strikes!

Nov 11 12:44 PM - Okay guys, gather around--I'll let you in on a little secret. I have this hugiganormous fear of seeing two number elevens next to each other. No it not if its written in English, but if they are Arabic number elevens, then for some reason so deep down that I don't even know, fear just takes over. The first time I remember it happening was when I was six--I saw our digital clock at 10:10--and I thought it was fascinating. Later though... an hour and a minute later... it wasn't fascinating anymore. The two elevens, four broken digital lines, were so scary--like electronic candles from hell... I have since changed my computer clock to 24-hour time--so then at least it's only once a day (and usually I'm at school) that it shows (11:11). And today... it's the eleventh on the eleventh month of the year... Ahh!!! Save me!!!!

Oct 27 1:14 AM - Wow...! Just got back from the Michelle Branch concert at Loyola... amazing! The moment she stepped onto the stage--maybe it was the smoke... maybe it was the lights... maybe it was the way she held herself as she stood with her back against the crowd, but her whole entrance was shrouded in an aura of divinity. I will tell you--I felt as if I was in the presence of a goddess--I was finally seeing with my own eyes from a mere 20 feet away, the person that I've seen on national television, heard on countless radio stations and CDs... right there! It was a shock... a good kind of shock. As the concert picked up, MB established herself in a very casual way with the audience, entertaining as if she owned the place (she might as well have--being worth millions of dollars).

Her songs were amazing--unlike rap star concerts, MB sounded just as good, if not FAR better in person--actually seeing her sing and play was just an experience of its own... I'd write more but... now it's 1 AM... I'm really REALLY tired. AND I have school tomorrow. Sucks doesn't it?

Surprisingly, I've done some thinking today. Actually, I've done a TON of thinking, on many many topics... but... I'm still too tired to write about them... for future reference, it's about those things that occur seemingly by chance, and explication on 'love defered'.

-Lataz-

Angelex Nearing Demise?
Can this be true?!

Oct 26 10:36 PM - After over a year in continuous operation, the future of Angelex is being truly questioned for the first time... Now, before y'all start whining (or cheering--depending on who you are) give me a chance to justify myself...

I've just seen the most inspiring personal site that I've ever seen, and I now have a burning desire to massively revamp Angelex. This site means a lot to me, and I wouldn't want it to die out--but its long overdue for an overhaul. But, inside, I'm feeling up for a change. Yes I still do have a thing for Angels and this site truly represents a part of me, but now, the fuel that burned for Angelex at the start of the fire is giving way to something different. No longer am I a thoughtful, yet naive sophomore--still trying to figure out the world before truly understanding my own self. I've changed, and Angelex has as well. It started out with an ideal, fell harshly onto reality, and grew from there. Angelex as a site survived by changing. It's no longer a moment in time for people to see--it is a part of my life story. A crucial chapter of my life between the old and new; a confused jumble of purposes, thoughts, and scattered pieces of myself that somehow, when you take a step back, all makes sense--like those photo-mosaics of dead presidents. Revamping Angelex would mean erasing the records of the change, like burning pages to a book as you read along... my history is immutable, and my tracks should reflect that. 

In the past couple months, the last pages of this chapter have written itself--and it's time to move on. This is by no means not the end of the story, life goes on. All chapters do have to come to an end, but only so that the next chapter can build upon what's already been written. Without all the literary metaphors, what I'm saying is, the time of Angelex is nearing its end. And a successor will soon take its place.

My life's pen is now on the last page, just scribbled past the half-page mark, starting the last paragraph. It's time to sum up of this leg of my story--quite possibly the biggest, best yet. It's the kind of chapter that makes you dying to read the next. What's going to happen next? I already know. Angelex shall remain, but the next chapter will write itself fresh paper.

Wow that changed from a typical Angelex reflection... and now its clear that things are gonna change. Just wait---Genesis II will be up in no time. [END OF REFLECTION - 11:11 PM]

New Name Needed

Oct 26 - A new name is needed for the "next chapter". Angelex was created out of absolutely nowhere and it became a part of my personality, because its pieces fit what I wanted to be. Whatever new name I use, it has to meet the same criteria. So far, these keywords have sparked interest:

fire, fury, fiery, blood, fly, ice, free, exposure, independence, flow, silver, verities, truth, light...

MORE SONGS OF THE MOMENT!!!

Oct 12 - It's been a while since I updated my song list--here are some more good songs from more artists!

Essay Writing Horrors To Sherry

Nov 5 (7:33 PM)- It looks like I’m sitting here once again, in essay writing class, without anything to write because the stupid internet can’t seem to register the existence of the file I uploaded this morning. After spending about fifteen minutes trying to salvage the file, I decided that—nah—not worth it. The teacher is standing about twenty feet from me… and I’m wondering how I would get out of the situation I’m in if she should come over here. What situation? It’s just not working, not my fault. But I have the feeling that she’s just too stupid to understand. So contingency plan… oh screw the contingency plan. If I get screwed, then I’ll get screwed. I’ve been surviving on the edge for the past three months, completing final drafts of assignments minutes before they’re due; glaring at her long enough to arouse her suspicion. At first I thought she just hated me… but soon I learned that she was just pathetic universally. Jason was over here a few minutes ago, talking about our college mess. Then she comes along, with a smug smile… not a smile of “I caught you!” satisfaction, but more like a stupid little smile that’s been ground into her face.

Emily can play her game. I’m watching her right now, smiling a seemingly genuine smile, laughing at MB’s jokes; laughter purely out of courtesy, obviously just to earn MB's approval. I’d like to congratulate her—she’s doing what I’d never be able to do. I can’t just pretend to smile—when I’m pissed, I’m pissed, and I’d like to show it. Such a phony smile… I’d like to get in a place where my grades aren’t at the mercy of MB. I’ll bet that she’s totally incompetent—she likes to say things like “You’re high school seniors. I don’t even have to tell my freshmen kids what to do. You guys are old enough to know what you’re supposed to be doing. At least I hope you do…” like she did after Jason was pulled over to his side of the bay. Pathetic. Yet Emily’s smart, and I'm sure she shares this revulsion of MB, and even so, she can play her game. I wish I could do that. My  biggest qualms with my teachers deal with my “attitude.” Well they’re teachers, of course I have to give them respect, but when they don’t deserve it, some of my true thoughts find themselves rising up to the surface. Some teachers have their own attitude problems—like MB—she has very little real respect for her students. Yet she has power that she doesn’t deserve, and that power keeps the dichotomy going.

I’ve changed a lot of perceptions about this class. I thought in the beginning that MB, though sadly slow in her teaching, generally had the right idea. I was since proven wrong. But enough about this class, and MB, I have better things to write about, to talk about, to think about. Moving on now...

At lunch today, I had the pleasure of meeting Sherry Lin. Haha—I have to laugh. Not at her… well, not really at her. She’s like a lot of the freshmen that come in—and in so many ways, she’s a lot like how I used to be—highly critical, disinclined to swearing. She has a powerful personal voice yet senselessly lost in the high school scene. She thinks she knows what’s “cool” and what’s “weird” (I apparently fell into the latter category), but what she doesn’t yet see is that, it really doesn’t matter. You’re can be perceived as cool, or weird, or whatever-- really doesn’t matter—I am what I want to be, and when people feel they need to be critical—I can always smile because I know I’m satisfied with my own personality. (Kathryn Yoh has been turning to this lately... but that's another story) Now, putting that all aside (it's natural for freshmen to do that), I’ve decided that she’s pretty cool—in my own terms. It was actually the book she had that caught my attention—Wheel of Time, book five. For those who don’t know, its a fantasy series by Robert Jordan, very intricately written, strong in idea as well as story. I put down Dragonlance, so that I could read the first book, The Eye of the World, and I was pretty impressed… before I had to put that down to read The Order of the Phoenix (which I also failed to finish reading—this time because of The Picture of Dorian Gray). Anyway, she enjoys reading, and writing as well, which is awesome--difference between me and her (besides the obvious) is that she has a little bit more direction in herself. She may be lost, but she doesn't let that keep her from plowing along, trying to insult innocent seniors like myself. I wish I had the time to know her--I want to see how she changes as high school wears on. I'm not saying that high school will brainwash her into a collective consciousness; but it will change her, open her up to new ideas. The funniest thing was when I made physical contact--she totally overreacted (by high school standards) as if I she had just been afflicted with the plague, and started flailing wildly. Crazy lil' freshman girl! But it's okay--she'll learn eventually. I just wish I could be there to see her grow. See, in that regard, I can see the appeals of being a teacher. You get to watch kids grow as people, not just physically, but the entire maturing of a person from kid to adulthood. It's really the most satisfying thing to know, especially since I was in the same position as she was--brings more of those warm chills.

I have a lot of other things I want to write about, but I don't have time--right now, more college essays await my burning personality.

Lataz!

Copyright Bureaucracy

If any of you people reading this are parents, and somehow are offended because this pertains to you--please go to disney.com or some other mind friendly site, where you can continue to be ignorant sheep. When you're on MY site--I say MINE because this is MY personal site, governed by the First Amendment and the will of my mind--you will see what I put up. Angelex (in spite of its original intentions) does not exist to make you happy, to represent District 203, OR to teach your kids demonology. If you don't like what I have to say--go away! But if I were you, I'd at least be a little more thick-skinned about it.

I'm not saying this to spite the district, but to the sad idea that there ARE people out there willing to go to those crazy lengths to earn a quick buck--because that's ALL that there is to gain from it. You people are all intelligent, educated, aware adults (at least mentally), and you people know better than to be personally offended when a teen puts up his ideas. I don't intend to insult anyone, I'm just saying--wake up! This world is NOT just your ideal world, and there are people out there--real people, with real ideas. If you haven't got that yet, you might want to get your head out of the clouds, and take a close look at the gritty (figuratively) halls of our school. That's all I have to say.

Oh, and let me make this clear (see? I'm always thinking of the slower people out there who just can't seem to infer things on their own)--this site is in no way affiliated with Naperville North High School, Naperville Community School District 203, nor do I represent the whole of either. But I AM a student at NNHS, and I do represent myself, a piece of NNHS. This is a fact, but it WON'T keep me from expressing myself as who I am. I may just be one student out of 3000+, but I'm one with the will and means to voice out what I want to say. I'd love to say that my words speak for everyone when I say my opinions, or even when I write what I think is true, but I am just my own person, as is everyone else. (wow, that sentence had 5 "I"'s in it) Honestly speaking though--I wouldn't have it any other way.

So yes, to all you kids out there. If you guys don't want to bother with the system, and swim around in the safe little kiddy swimming pen that we're put in--then like our librarian said, "err on the side of caution." But if you're like me... and can't stand being anyone but yourself... give yourself a pat on the back for your audacity and be proud--but be smart too--when you're out there in the open water, you're swimming with the sharks. Don't worry though--we're ahead of the game. This truth is going to be a part of life for the majority of our existence, might as well get used to it. Know your rights, but know your limits.

Lata!

Burn Harvard Burn!!!

Oct 20 8:31 PM - It is SO hard to actually write well when you're actually thinking about it. Writing, you wouldn't think it would be so hard--at least, not from a completely logical point of view. It's just writing down what you're thinking right?

What is good writing? I don't know anymore--I don't even read half of what I write in my reflections, but I know good writing  when I see it, but not until I see it. I know when I'm writing well, but I don't know how to get there. I know good ideas, but a lot of my thoughts get lost in the transcription. I know that I have excellent grammar the majority of the time (just ask my wonderful  essay writing teacher), and usually good ideas as well, so the only barrier between me thoughts and the piece of paper before me is the actual writing of thoughts. So what is good writing? Huh?? DO I have to bring myself into an emotional rant to find a voice strong enough to do my thoughts justice? That's another problem. My best writing seems to come out when I'm either in fury, or desolation. Not exactly when I want to write well--and it's certainly not now (even though frustration is slowly creeping up on me).

I want to burn Harvard... with a gigantic beam from the SUN. I want to burn it until its foundations melt, and the whole campus sinks all the way down to hell. Haha--give the devil my regards Fitzsimmons, sorry man--but hey, look on the evil side--maybe Hell could use a Dean of Admissions! Now we'll see who wants to go to that literal hellhole. Diehard Harvard fanatics I suppose. Well good riddance (ooh, I'm still learning how to play that song). Maybe I'll show a little mercy and give them a wax cord to hang off--and if I'm feeling nice, I'll sprinkle a little Boston Tea--and maybe a package of coffee for Crystl. I hear that Starbucks is horrible in Hell.

I can smile at a thought like that--A little morbid? Nah, I don't think so. My imagination and I have conjured up far more hellish things. Id est, A fire in the admissions office of Yale--with thousands of Mardi Gras flashers plucked from the Big Easy chanting BURN BUSH BURN!! as the paper renditions of our wonderful president turn to ashes along with his old dorm. An earthquake at MIT--sorry Dhru but your Beavers have been gnawing in all the wrong places. <LIGHTNING STRIKES AT CORNELL!! CAMPUS SIGHTED ON THE MOON!!!> Oh, sorry all of you guys wanting to go into the school that everyone's applying to. A meteor just hit that 200 acre gap in the cornfields down south. U. Chicago? Vice Lords expand their grip, Meltzer kidnapped! Dailey fears worst! Sorry Sabahat, looks like Kotlowitz's worst nightmare is about to turn into your reality. 

Haha, anything to get my mind off of this raging war against the Wall. Yes I'll dub it The Wall now--the wall between my mind and your mind . I've chipped at the wall, a brick at a time--I think I might have gotten a few cracks here and there. Recently, I've been scratching away frantically--even looking for things to find passion in. Love, consciousness, crop circles--so many things to explore, yet all drowned out in conscious worry. I hate it--I hate it all! All of YOU!!!!

See? That had voice--I knew it as I wrote it down... but why is it so hard to write at other times? Other times, for other feelings? Maybe I'm just not experienced enough in other emotions. Happy writing--I'd like to write something really happy someday. Happy enough to make me smile just by reading. What makes me happy? A good grade? A good talk with a friend? A well won victory? (Vickitorrie? lol--omg what is wrong with me?) A well fought defeat?

Haha--peace guys--all of ya. Let's make it through this war alive. Because this is a war--and we are soldiers... ooh, MUST see Revolutions!

Homecoming 2003 II

Oct 18 11:45 AM- Yay!!! It's that time of the week again! Saturday! Party night, homecoming--and no SATs this morning!!! I had the most amazing sleep that I've had in months--it felt awesome, and I woke up in the morning full of bubbly thoughts. Ay.. okay, I have work to do, transcribing my journal onto paper.

[UPDATED 10/19 2:25 AM] - All right, I can say now with conviction that NNHS has the cheapest (in a bad way) Homecomings ever! Not only is there no elaboration of the theme (beyond flimsy the freshmen and key club creations), there are no safe storage places, no projector showing cool stuff (WWS had a decent one), cheap decorations, crappy ventilation, and OVERPRICED tickets. Big time overpriced ($30 at North vs. $20 almost everywhere else). WWS had all the things I listed... including amazing decorations--relatively, and then towards the end of the dance, there was a special song dedicated to seniors for their last homecoming where they all gathered in a circle facing inwards. It was really cool, even though I wasn't part of the class, I could see that this was one of those special moments when all experiences, the good and the bad, are treasured experiences, the class that grew up together now in their last few months. I am a definite sucker for these "last time" things--last first day, last dance, last winter break...etc--I just like to see these things accentuated officially like this. And then all the decorations came down--I mean literally. Oh AND they had the national anthem as their benediction song, it sounded really good and I thought that was awesome.

I remember what happened at the end of our dance... after the last dance (which btw was still awesome), the music stopped, the lights turned on, and then everyone just walked out. So meaningless as if... it was nothing. If Naperville North had what WWS had at the end... I would have seriously been in a jovial

That said... the atmosphere of the NNHS homecoming was far more engaging that at WWS--at South, a lot of people just stood around, moseying, standing, chatting in little groups, and otherwise not dancing. Maybe the music wasn't loud enough, but you could always hear the constant buzz of chatter (except when one of the massively catchy songs are on--i.e. Get Low)--got kind of annoying, but it was okay, made everything seem to be in the background, so that self-conscious us could do whatever we wanted. At one point, I grabbed a huge cluster of balloons and I tried to dance with them sandwiched between me and Tiff--didn't work too well, so I just threw it into the crowd--they loved it and it bounced around above everyone's heads for the remainder of the dance! Oh and the balloons were the COOLEST that I've ever seen at a dance. Too many variations to explain, they were just awesome, and fit very well into the theme "We're in Heaven"--with the theme song being "Heaven" (yes the one sung by DJ Sammy). Oh but the DJ wasn't that great--the song selection was... kind of out there, and the speakers were wimpy. A lot of the songs had a heavy beat, virtually all of them were technoized--and being an all-white school, no one had glow sticks, and those that did had NO idea what to do with them. If only I had the raving skills... I would have SO liked to show them how it's done--set the image of Asians right. Which brings me to another topic--Asians in WWS.

I've found out that Asians just seem to have a bad social image. They are either known as study slaves, or just... the pathetic underclass--either way, heavily stereotyped and unbalanced. Even worse, the Asians there seemed very condescending of their Asian-ness, this one girl even went so far as to say that she would never date an Asian guy, because "all" Asian guys were retards. The root of this problem is the lack of Asians at WWS. There just aren't enough to make an wide identity for themselves, so they become unbalanced in personality, and end up doing a lot of injustice to their race by creating stereotypes. The Asians seemed to be polarized to one of two extremes--the 'traitor of race' type, who may go as far as to berate Asians to fit in with the dominating white majority, and the 'freak' types, those that just act really weird, probably stemming from a need to express themselves; both of which corroborates the stereotypes of conformity and/or inferiority. Not their fault... but still a huge minus to the image of Asians. At least I can still be myself and know that my identity is secure. Sometimes we don't realize how being Asian at NNHS shapes who we become--I would probably be a totally different person if my high school career was at WWS. Few things match up to a diverse student population in creating well-balanced kids.

To sum everything up... it was great, and if I could somehow swap all the people, and the DJ, our NNHS HC would have been so much better! I didn't get any pictures... really really disappointed about that. Still, a great end to the Homecomings of 2003--well worth it all.

Existing with Reason

Oct 18 11:18 AM- You know what. I'm tired of searching for purpose in life. What is my purpose--I've asked myself so many times that the question itself has lost meaning, all I can give are rhetorical answers, that sound intellectual at best. Freshman year, we did this self-exploration survey, and one of the questions asked "what do you live for?" -- and I answered "I live to find something to live for." That was probably the best answer I could have put down at the time. I needed a passion to live for and the search itself became my passion--my quest for purpose.

[For some reason, my thoughts just aren't being written down too well right now. That flow that I had during essay writing is just gone now. Maybe its the morning... maybe its the intimidation I'm getting from reading too many good Xanga entries--I'm too far in the game to be worried about something like this... every writer goes through this phase at some point or another. That's my biggest obstacle as a writer--the "trying too hard to write WELL." Ironically, when I'm trying to write well, I can't seem to do it. My voice gets lost in the sentences and by the time I'm done, its just the words that are speaking. I can't write right now... but I know that it's precisely what I need to do.]

And I'm not talking about humanity's purpose. Anyone can come up with an answer abstract enough or rhetorical enough. "We exist to serve God"; okay, well that's not what I'm asking. That answer doesn't satisfy me. Am I not satisfied with the purpose of my life as a Christian? "To serve God?" You'd think that as a Christian, that should be enough of an answer for me, but it does little to sooth my cravings. Can't I just resign to the idea that we exist just to exist, and the best we can make is to be happy? But no, I can't accept that. Living to be happy, that hedonistic attitude is the most simplest of purposes. There's nothing wrong with happiness--what bothers me about living, seeking happiness is that it can come out of anywhere, even lies, and that happiness... I can live without. Of course you can be "happy" not knowing why you're happy, but then how do you know that there really is something to be happy for?

Another answer that I was thinking of putting down was "to be happy." Too many people crave the ignorant bliss that we had as children. Well, not me--I was a little different. I'm not sure if I ever had such ignorant happiness. Even in kindergarten, when teachers somehow took that innocuous question as a sign of insubordination (I learned that word in kindergarten). "It just is." Well, no it ISN'T. Nothing that we as people do just IS. Maybe I can be satisfied with that answer if the question is about a rock on the ground, but we all know that it came from somewhere else. Hypocritical school system--they say they want to produce critical thinkers and yet from the start they try to brainwash us into just accepting things as they are.

It's the same with people. I always try to see people taking the "why" behind what my friends (and enemies--and everyone in between) do. But I don't do it consciously. I'm not a psychoanalyst, who's learned the theories of brain chemistry--my understanding comes from past experience, and a little bit of guesswork. But my school of knowledge says, "If something feels right, it probably is."

Inside I know that I am far more happy as the person I am now... well, at least as the thinker I am now. I've experienced ignorant happiness, it's the happy you get when what you see/know pleases you. You never know though. Happiness is all in our minds--it could be real, but it could just as easily be a lie, an illusion, or a dream. Some people can lie to themselves and be content--some people don't think they do, but that's the whole idea. I've been in there. I let reality float over me like like clouds in the sky, occasionally leaving their mark on the ground but never truly in contact with solid substance. Not so anymore. And I can confidently say that such a low standard of happiness doesn't do it for me. As clichéd as this may sound, I'm always in search for truth--and this involves coming to terms with reality. Not just seeing what I want to see, but seeing as many facets of existence, and understanding that there are things that we don't know. I believe that there is an ultimate happiness to be found in complete understanding--and even if the end result isn't happiness, I'd rather understand with satisfaction than be happy with ignorance. So here I am now... and what is my purpose? 

I end up on another search. Get back to ya when I find it!

So here's my morning routine completed... my feet are cooooldd!!!

Wow...

Oct 15 7:09 PM - (speechless... gathers self) I have just read the most amazing personal statement that I have ever seen. (which I can't post yet because I don't have permission).

I thought I had a solid idea of what a good essay was--but K knew all that and had the right raw experiences as well. This essay, if anything, belongs in the 50 Harvard Essays book.

K's essay deals with an experience that is uniquely hers, but it overflows with emotion that is universal to us all. As I read the beginning of her story, I was more than sorry for her--it got to me much deeper than that--I felt as if I knew that same pain. Friends, happiness... everything that she cared for was stripped away, and challenge after challenge was piled on. Feeling sorry doesn't go far enough to explain what I felt as I read her essay--I felt as if I knew what she felt.

"I cried, for days and nights, begging my parents to let me go home, but it seemed like nobody cared.  The little tree was on the verge of dying."

Had the essay been any longer, I might have had time to cry for her... because four years ago, I did exactly the same thing. If that was the end of the story, I would have said that she was an amazing person--tragically destroyed by circumstance. But it wasn't the end of her story--emotionally destroyed as she was, she didn't give up. She was determined to rebuild what she had lost. A phone call from a new friend--this small accomplishment was everything to her. She was so close to giving up but the little things kept her alive. Her writing went on beautifully; I heard the voice and saw the person of the story. She more than survived--she prevailed. As I saw her triumphing in the face of these seemingly insurmountable problems, I was overjoyed! I smiled on the outside--inside, I was ecstatic. Her essay caught my heart from the start, and put me back into emotions that I hadn't been in for so long--and it moved on--further than I myself had come. Had I read this essay four years ago, I would have felt a surge of hope--now, as hard as this may be to believe, I feel so proud of her! I've read so many failure stories, and I was so close to being one myself that I was thrilled to see her success. I'm so happy for her that I feel like I already know her, and I want to just go up to her and give her a hug of pure joy! If only she was here when I read it.

Another thing she conveys with excellence is her humble beginnings and understanding end--she knows what she's accomplished, and her clean pride is just stunning.

:-) Now I have a story of my own to write about.

Homecoming!

Oct 12 3:09 AM - Homecoming 2003 was the most awesome one yet--as it should be, senior year--so much more of a "reward" that I thought it would be. If I wasn't so tired, I'd still be bouncing off the walls! I thank everyone who came there--I know you guys came out there to enjoy yourselves, but it wouldn't have been as fun without everyone who was there. Oh yes, and Vicki--thanks for being such an awesome date! Yes I can carry you and no you can't beat me in physical combat (if you don't believe me...). 

Ahh!! Further analysis of Homecoming 2003 will have to wait 'cuz my mind just can't seem to focus on anything right now.

Anyway, I found a cool new writing exercise I'm going to try first thing in the morning--literally. What you do is get to a computer as soon as you wake up, and just start writing--sort of like the exercises you might to at school, except its immediately after waking. My goal is to write at least whole page every morning!

Here are a bunch of pictures!

Never Again...grr...

Oct 15 - Okay okay, all of you who think that I've exaggerating my anger... maybe I am, I'm not going to kill anything, nor am I going to destroy anything--but JUST because its impulse that screwed me over in the first place. GOD, why do I always second guess myself--I mean... come ON...

For all you who have no idea what the hell I'm talking about... let me explain. But you've got to listen to me first--I'm not mad because I'm some perfectionist complaining about me missing just ONE problem--this is about how I missed that problem my character. Me, myself, and what makes me myself. Okay, here goes:

We took ASMAs today after- school (if you don't know those... blah.) and after I was done, I went up to turn my ASMA in. The teacher was grading them already--in plain sight--and she was writing circles on some of the answers. I got a glimpse of one of the answers and noticed that I differed from mine. I had an opportunity--well, actually I made myself an opportunity to change that answer, which then I did... and then turned it in... not feeling the slightest bit guilty (read Sour Milk for the Teenage Soul for some understanding). Little did I know that... I HAD THE RIGHT ANSWER FIRST--and not only that, I had an otherwise perfect paper!!! When I found that out... I seriously went ballistic... people will testify to that. I felt a lot of things really fast--an overflow of emotions. Besides being the previously latent guilt, I was (understandably) FRIGGIN' PISSED. People didn't get why... and I understand. I wasn't too pissed about missing one point, but something else did bother me.

"This is the story of my life," I said to two different people. And at least... I felt it was true. I myself have the capability to do... whatever it is. And yet, when the time comes where I show my abilities--I do something really stupid and just mess up... fail to be the best I can be. (The techno music pounding from upstairs is beginning to annoy me...). My mind works faster than I can think sometimes, and I was just... overpowered by the surge and went a little loony for a bit. I wasn't asking for sympathy--even though I thought that hugging the fat man Huang would have some beneficial effect (it didn't), and I had no idea what could have made me feel better. Priya said "you're dumb," with a big smile, and I was perfectly content with that response. I wanted to hear something like that--because what I did was really stupid. I was tempted by what I thought was an opportunity, took it, and ended up paying for it. I was outdone by my own temptations.

I asked God for forgiveness for my wrongdoing and the wisdom to know when to trust myself... always. That along with, the realization that it was "only an ASMA" made me feel a lot better really fast. When time comes to show myself... I'll know what not to do. Perhaps I'll learn from this like I learn from everything else.

Final thoughts: Doubting myself... a big no no. But how could I have known...? Ooh, and I ask myself... would I feel nearly as bad if this was the right answer? But that's another story.

ESSAY WRITING TOILS

Oct 15 - Here's an interesting entry I made. I was supposed to be writing a "Causal analysis essay" but I just couldn't get my mind going... so I put in a little emotion and gave it this jump start. A powerful jump start--I wrote all 700+ words in 14 minutes. Too bad that by the time I was ready to write, the period was over. Bah!

God, I’m supposed to be writing up my “causal analysis” essay… but for some reason, I just can’t get into the writing mood… so yeah, since my best writing usually comes when I’m immersed in thought I’ll just start writing… yes writing… starting now…

Come on… write!!!  What the hell, why can’t I think of what I wanna write about? This whole causal analysis essay is a piece of crap. [NAME REMOVED] is an idiot, and I hate this friggin class. the kids are fine, but I think everyone knows that this class is such a waste of time. Yes. Definitely. Uh oh… I hope that fool doesn’t see me writing this, or else im screwed. God, I need to stop swearing… God, I need to stop saying “God” with such anger! Dammit this sucks.

You know, I think it’s hardest to write when you’re aware of what you’re writing. When you’re actually seeing the words come out on paper—either because you’re pressured to “write well” or because you just have no idea what you’re supposed to write about. Those are both me right now, and every time I try to write a college essay. I’m so focused on writing well, that I just can’t seem to get my bubbling thoughts on paper. During my parent-teacher conferences, both of my writing teachers said that my writing was very good—even though I do all my assignments in the morning their due or during the lunch period (just before 7^th hour). You might attribute that to me just being a good BSer, but I don’t think that’s really true. When I am pressured so much to just get stuff down on paper—like.. if the final draft of an assignment is due, I don’t even look at what I’m typing. The words just fly out of my mind straight down onto the screen—almost like I was psychic. Those are the moments of true expression—I love it!!--even when what I wrote is a piece of crap (structurally) I’m almost always happy with how my thoughts got put into the paper. If anything that’s the LEAST BS in my writing… ok I’m gonna go back now and delete every reference to my teachers. That’s where my biggest problems with my essay writing teacher come in—she has absolutely no idea how good writing is different from BS writing; all she really cares about are grammar and sentence variety—as if she cares about how a voice sounds—I swear—I could BS an entire essay (like I did with my collge essay—when all that mattered was getting it DONE) and still get an A as long as there aren’t any conventional errors. So damn stupid.

But that doesn’t help me at all—I need to get better at writing, not better at BSing—especially now that college essays, the REAL ones, are so close. I just looked at the prompt for the first University of Chicago essay… I can think of so many things, but I just cant seem to get them down on paper—which is why I started writing this in the first place. It’s pretty much asking for WHY I want to go to U of C. Should I flatter them? No of course not. I need to be sincere—if they won’t accept me for the true sincere thoughts in my mind, then I guess I don’t want to go there. But I’m pretty sure—after reading the other prompts that U of C wouldn’t mind seeing a little creative flair, maybe some satire, and then a little salt and pepper here and there to keep them awake after reading the nth essay of the day. Haha—I can imagine Meltzer right now… reading junk BS essay after essay, and then… suddenly… an omelet!! Haha—that’s hilarious—a classic thought to store away.

Anyway, why do I really want to go? I’d say without hesitation that U of C is my number three school after Columbia and Northwestern (okay THAT I don’t need to tell them), but why? Sabahat wants to go there—and I really like her focus; she knows what she’s doing, and suppose I can trust her. But that’s not what U of C wants to hear is it… well that’s fine, because it’s not the only reason. Other reasons.. (END OF ENTRY 2:14 PM)

Untouched Feelings

Oct 9 7:59 PM - I just finished signing up for SATs (yet AGAIN).

You know that feeling when you like someone... no not "like"--I mean, when you feel that someone understands you just because you believe that you understand him/her. Like there's a mutual understanding without the interaction. You've never even met? Maybe you've heard things about that person that makes you want to meet him/her--or maybe you've seen a glimpse of the person expressed somewhere... maybe it's someone you've always wanted to meet; maybe it's someone that can finally fulfill your deep crazy desire to be understood--someone that can see past all the denial and phoniness to understand the sacrosanct truth that is there. Maybe this person can truly know... you.

I honestly haven't found a lot of people that... really truly like me the way I am--there are people who like what I show them, and those who like whatever I give them... but then, somewhere in my being, I feel that there must be people out there who like ME--and less so the actions I show or the words I speak. It's hard, I understand that much--I just wish sometimes that people could see past what I present (consciously or not) and understand the person in me. I blame this on the fact that I've moved so many times--never staying long enough to build a foundation of people who understand me, but enough to believe that it can be done. I was nearly ripped apart by this constant "teasing"--like fate mocking my deepest desires.

This person who can truly understand you for you--does this person exist? I believe so... but I know that they're going to get harder and harder to find. People grow together, become what they are shaped by the people they grow up with. And they change--and you change as well. But no matter how much my present bothers me, the future worries me far more. Once there, no one will know the person you've come from--that path from past to present that you took--all the changes, all the growing--it won't be known to anyone. Not that the past was irrelevant, they just won't know it...  Okay wow that sounded really vague--but I'll move on anyway...

So I haven't found that person (for this paragraph she'll be a she). She exists in the New World as Elizabeth Skyrien--and even though she is often hated by Alexander Skyrien, she still is a perfect complement to him as a person--(as a writer, you're can see things like that); as a single unit--understanding the path, and allowing maneuvering room for the future. This goes beyond all friendship and all loyalty--the deepest, fullest emotion of all understanding and compassion--one of the mind and another of the heart--you ask what my goal is? Those are my goal. Do you still not understand who I am? I'll smile for you--and wish you happiness and fortune. Oh wow, this entry degenerated from a specific someone into... whatever I'm talking about now. REFOCUS TIME!!!

Anyway... every now and then, I'll find someone... but sometimes, they'd be just out of my reach, or something would stop me... like fear of circumstances. Which brings me to my number one wish... yes that one. But like I've said to myself a thousand times, fortune favors the bold...

END OF ENTRY 9:14 PM

College App Chaos

Oct 8 11:39 PM - Wow, I can't believe how impossible this year is being to me. I am being given absolutely no time to pursue my own desires. Right now (as in at this moment) I am inundated with work such as...

The usual TON of school homework (due tomorrow!), projects due in a bit, and then college resume (ASAP!), a birthday, study for SAT IIs (saturday), homecoming, scholastic bowl website, college apps, essays!, another homecoming, other stuff, etc...

AND STILL, somehow fit somewhat of a social life, my usual home business, learn guitar, maintain my own website... AND SOMEHOW, find time to sleep in between all this... this is insane...

Oh yeah... did I mention that I'm really tired right now???

Wheaton Girls... A Different Kind of AZN

Oct 1 11:12 PM - I've just had a pretty interesting conversation with someone I've NEVER talked to before. Interesting in that the person seemed very skeptical of good ol' me--and just generally negative. Here's an excerpt of the convo:

ReJoovenation: yes i know that--but ive been really busy with things lately--busy with people things
Wheaton Girl: yea yea watever
Wheaton Girl: thats what they all say
Wheaton Girl: excuses excuses
Wheaton Girl: typical guy
ReJoovenation: i see im gonna have to take some time to prove myself to you--
Wheaton Girl: yea u are
Wheaton Girl: i dont trust u
Wheaton Girl: u are pretty shady
Wheaton Girl: i dont like that
ReJoovenation: thats a good thing
Wheaton Girl: very vague in your answers
ReJoovenation: im just being conservative
Wheaton Girl: u should be more definite about matters
Wheaton Girl: you're not being conservative, you're being a wimp
ReJoovenation: oooooohh--maybe i should be a little more shallow too
Wheaton Girl: whats this got to do with being shallow?
Wheaton Girl: nobody ever mentioned anything bout that
ReJoovenation: i try to see between the lines
Wheaton Girl: whatever
Wheaton Girl: what a crappy excuse
ReJoovenation: are you a sophomore?
Wheaton Girl: try to see between the lines
Wheaton Girl: yea why
Wheaton Girl: whats it to u?
ReJoovenation: just wondering--you seem a little jumpy/edgy
Wheaton Girl: i'm jumpy/edgy??
Wheaton Girl: i'm suppose to be, i'm a cheerleader
Wheaton Girl: duh
Wheaton Girl: watever, we are going around in circles
ReJoovenation: hm... well ok
Wheaton Girl: your personality is very complex
Wheaton Girl: i dont understand what u are trying to say
Wheaton Girl: u should be more easy to read
Wheaton Girl: so then people arent questioning your motives
ReJoovenation: sorry bout that--im tired/busy right now
Wheaton Girl: so am i
ReJoovenation: not really focusing on any one thing
Wheaton Girl: everyones life is busy
Wheaton Girl: dont give me that crap
Wheaton Girl: u are boring me, and i have to go anyways
ReJoovenation: lol--fine
Wheaton Girl: u are very indecisive about your decisions
ReJoovenation: what decision?
Wheaton Girl: whats up with that???
Wheaton Girl: watever
Wheaton Girl: i dont care, do what u want to do
ReJoovenation: ooh geez--wheaton asians... not-quite the typical asians are you guys...
ReJoovenation: ill look forward to meeting you :-)
Wheaton Girl: whatever...
Wheaton Girl: bye
Wheaton Girl signed off at 23:07:53.

So yes, what is the deal with girls from Wheaton? Is this just another kind of person that I haven't really met yet? Maybe. I wonder what this person is like in person. A little eccentric I'm guessing, maybe one of those hypocritical, double standard, super-feminist, types. Ya, that's what I'm guessing. Too bad. A cheerleader--she might have been nice. lol--ok, whatever, I'm off to bed.

Still going strong on my spiritual journey...

Sept 30 9:22 PM - I wish the religious roundtable was here back in junior year--I'm learning so much now, I'm wondering how much farther I could have come had I been given the motivation. Anyway, I was looking up some reading for Sabahat's reading list--I've added two books that I quote frequently, but never read: Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism and The God we Never Knew. And then I went over to http://www.beliefnet.com, (in spite of its commercial sounding name, it actually is a very good resource for spiritual information, opinions, and general thoughts). The following article actually got my attention (there seem to be so few liberal Christians at our school that are actively interested in their beliefs) so I read it, and was amazed. If I wasn't so tired, I'm sure I'd be writing pages and pages of reflection upon it.

Why Liberals Should Read the Bible
The Bible doesn't go away if we don't read it. Others just tell us what it says.

By John A. Buehrens

Today many otherwise well-informed, intelligent people--religious liberals, seekers after wisdom and justice, even skeptics and the news media--often speak as though the Bible says and means only what fundamentalists say it says and means.

Click here for full article

Yay Garba!

Sept 28 2:28 AM - I made a complete turn around from 19 hours ago, and went to a garba--actually, I went to two! It was amazingly fun--for those who don't know, garba is (I think) a Gujarati cultural dance--I don't know the formal definition of garba, but I can say that what I went to was awesome! Anyway, I was adamant about not going (see entry below) but by the time I got to Anu's house (leaving P-la stranded at Chuck E. Cheese's), I had become a little more open. And by the time I got to Arpan/Krishna's house and gotten into a kurta (traditional Indian dress), I had completely changed my mind. (Oh yeah, there was this HILARIOUS girl at the Choksi's house who sneezed every time you pulled her nose; a classic) The first garba was somewhere near Elgin--a long way from home, and I was slightly worried that I might feel a bit awkward being surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of desi's. Once we got inside, the Desi Posse was completely lost---none of us knew how to dance, but after some pushing by Brownsuga and Krish, we just jumped into it. Arps and Krish really helped in the beginning of the four-step circle dance, and by the time it was over, we (at least, me and Haj) had pretty much got it mastered. It was really crowded, but it was still fun going with the flow in sync with a throng of energetic people. I could go on and on about how fun it was, but I'm really tired now--talk more later!!! :-D

Oh well. No more Garba

Sept 27 7:28 AM - Ah.. there was a beautiful sunrise this morning--I wish I had my camera to capture the rising sun (thanks Helen for LOSING it!). But no matter--there'll be plenty of other sunrises--and maybe I'll be in a mood where I can enjoy them. Well, it looks like there's going to be no garba for me--maybe I overstepped my boundaries when I thought I could go to this Indian cultural dance (I still don't know much about it). I'm not Indian, nor am I Hindu--I've only been to the temple once, so I guess I understand how I'm not really a part of the Indian culture... but its still a bit of a disappointment. Maybe they just think I'm culturally insensitive (which I don't think I am...) or maybe its just a little ethnic pride. Normally, I wouldn't give in to any sort of bigotry, religious, racial or otherwise--in fact, I was actually hoping for some super-fundamentalist to challenge me in a pragmatic-philosophical showdown (and this did happen during Teen Camp--we had a lot of fun there)--but right now, I just don't have the motivation to oppose anything.  Maybe it's the people--I'm not going to go somewhere when it might cause conflict with friends just to satisfy my own intercultural curiosity; no, I can be smarter than that. Maybe I'm not too driven right now to go on a cultural exploration--SAT IIs and college apps have been looming closer for a long time--it couldn't hurt to get back on task. But still...

Ah whatever. I don't have a reason to feel anything other than a little disappointment--and I can handle that. And besides... I can learn this "garba dance" from friends later. In the meantime, I think I'll organize a movie, some good old American fun. At least movie theaters are open to everyone.

A Return of Happiness?

Sept 15 - Hello world. I guess I’m feeling better than I have been in the past four weeks. All things are looking good. There’s lots to be happy about, and I’m finally thinking that I have the luxury to be happy. I’ve searched so long for truth, and for so long, truth didn’t bring me happiness. It brought me comfort—yes, but happiness was always a little too elusive for me. I’ve let out my anger and felt better, I’ve cried and felt better—but it’s been so long since I’ve actually been happy and felt better. Happiness feels... odd to me. Like I can't trust it--I can't let myself just fall into it and become vulnerable to its end. But it feels… good. Awkward, like when your relative gives you a hundred dollars but you don’t know why. Right now, I'm feeling that something's wrong but my mind is telling me to just let myself go and get back in the moment. I'm still not sure how to react... but it feels good.

Sept 15 - I've just come out of the most chaotic three weeks of my social life... too long to type at 12:19... I'll finish later!

Battle of the sub-Generations

Sept 13 - Wow,  I got into a huge verbal battle between my stubborn brother and my mom half an hour ago. Just before the argument, I heard from my mom that my bros were falling a little behind in math. And I'm just thinking... "wait...what?" and wend downstairs where they were watching Spiderman to make immediate demands. I probably should have been more patient, but lately, I've been really rushed about everything (more on this later), and this was no exception. I basically made the demand that after every movie, they'd write a review. That drew an immediate "no!" from the older one, while Jake subtly communicated a message of disapproval. Obviously they didn't want the work... sigh... well, it degenerated into a verbal battle (nearly went physical), where at one point I broke a chair, and later smashed it into smaller pieces. It turned into chaos once my mom got involved, everyone started shouting... and it all fell apart.

But later, I went back upstairs to talk with my bro separately. I tried to convince him that I meant well for him--the work that I was giving him would help him later on--and we reached an agreement.  A true agreement based on his realization that I really was trying to help him. It was good. Now, only if he could follow through...

The Best First Day Ever!

Aug 27 - I think today was the best first day of school ever. I don't know why--it wasn't anything spectacular, but I loved it anyway. Maybe it's my new mindset. Maybe its just the fact that we're seniors. Maybe... I don't know! But all I know is that this year looks to be off to a good start. I thank God for all these blessings! Now, I'm getting ready for Day 2...

The End of Summer
Time for the BEST year of our (up-till-now) lives

Aug 26 (10:18 PM) - Ah.. well guys, it looks like our summer has dwindled down to the last few hours. Tomorrow will be the start of our final year in high school--we're got to make it the biggest, best year ever. I'm beginning to realize how many regrets I have from the past three years in high school. Stuff like the whole high school love scene, and other "living in the moment" things that I haven't done. I feel like my past three years have been so little from what it could have, should have been. But what makes me even sadder is all the mistakes that I've made but didn't even know about. See, I'm really oblivious to a lot of things--and a lot of times I just don't even know what I'm not doing that I should be doing. Sometimes I just feel down for seemingly no reason (no I'm no a chronically depressed child). Times like those I just wish I was psychic--then maybe someone could tell me what I'm doing wrong. I completely wasted my freshman year. Bad grades, minimal social activity. Just a lot of introspective thinking/worrying, wondering what I'm missing out on. Now I know what I've not done, and I do regret it. I wish someone had told me what I know now. But I believe that everything has purpose, and my missing out and making mistakes has just made me appreciate success and "living in the moment" even more--so this year, I believe, will be my biggest and greatest.

I can't wait to see the freshmen tomorrow, so that we seniors can make our big impression. We're only going to be here one year with them, so I want them to remember how we were. And then just maybe--maybe when they're seniors, they'll remember what it was like to be freshmen, and they'll learn how much they've grown as people. I know that some of them will see past our camouflage and see that high school will be as fun and great as you make it. But some won't see past the "scary seniors" and will think that either (a) we're very stupid, or (b) high school is gonna suck. I was definitely one of those kids. It wasn't until... maybe even this summer that I've realized so many things. I can determine how happy I can be, and not by faking happiness, or by pretending things are better, but by enjoying what I can really do. So I know this will be my year.

I hope that all you people can understand this, and be the best they can be. If you're not a senior--don't make the same mistake that I made for too long. You still have at least two years to make the most out of high school. I've only got one. I wish I was back in junior high with this mindset--I would have made my life so awesome. What I want to do now is talk to all the youngens--tell them what I wish I heard back in eighth grade. Still, I know that some people just won't understand until they become like me. To those people--you and me have a special understanding. To that... I wish I knew all of you--there's so much I want to talk about.

But back to my point. I (we) still have a whole school year to make high school the most amazing it's ever been--I suggest that we go for it! We're seniors--we rule school! I'm pumped for school (except college stuff... dang... that's gonna keep me worried for a little while. To all non-seniors-- your time is only worth as much as you make it worth. God bless all of ya--I'll be waiting to see you at the top. Good luck freshmen--you're gonna need it (and a little sense to think a little differently--high school will change you).