Jun 4 - You know, as we're slowly reaching the end of the school year... I really can't help but notice that it somehow feels different. Two years ago... I hardly remember how I felt as summer came along. One year ago, at about this time, we were finished with E. Written, totally satisfied with our semester project--ready to end the year and head straight into summer. But not so now...

As freshman year, and even sophomore year came to a close, it just felt routine--the end of another year, but now, as junior year is down to its last 5 school days, it feels as if something is nearing the end. And its not that  great of a feeling. Even though I say that I wish school was over and done with, I'm so glad I'm not a senior now; I'm definitely not ready to end this phase of my life yet--having it end now would be a total... waste. I don't know what I really want anymore. I feel as if time is pulling me along, I'm never ready to go to the next step--to leave behind everything that I could have, should have done when I had the chance. I don't even know what I'm looking for, what I will have to find to make my satisfied. I know many people that would be leaving high school without any regrets. If high school were to end for me now--well, I wouldn't feel satisfied with myself. I would be full of regrets along the lines of... "why didn't I...", and "I should have..." Which is why I'm glad I still have a year to find whatever I'm looking for. Someone I know might say "no screw regrets," but these "would-be" regrets are problems that I can still fix.  Yes I am an optimist, as he noted today--one driven by, and sometimes blinded by hope and idealism, but it will serve me well.

But what am I looking for?

Jun 8 - I've just realized that I have so many things I have to do this summer. College applications are like... just.. OVER THERE (past summer) and I really need to get into looking at colleges, scholarships, and just doing more things to get more credentials. Besides that, I need to jump start a lot of my deferred dreams--like the Movie Project that we've been working on since sophomore year, publishing my children's' book, and like... so many other things. Like I said earlier, I'm feeling an end approaching--but now it seems more like a deadline for a huge project. And it is a huge project, one that I've procrastinated over the years of my life. Nothing is "just that" anymore. Chances aren't always there anymore. And where the hell am I supposed to fit in a life here?

Right now I'm just wishing for finals to be over, but summer's gonna be drive me crazy. Three months yes, but three months of either chaos or apprehension. I hate being a junior.

Small Reflection...

Jun 10 - You know what, I've realized that I'm gonna regret it later in life if i decide to not care as much now--like High school--there's no way im gonna ever see this as being "just high school"--maybe later, but definitely not now. So if you're rationalizing your problems now by saying, "its just high school"--then you have a problem for yourself, and none of my sympathy.

Jun 11 (12:22 PM) - I'm still in the school routine You don't realize how confused I am that this year is finally over. First of all, I'd like to say that I can't celebrate enough, the ending of final exams. True, I studied less for these exams than I ever have in my life, but I still kept all my grades, so I can say without much regret that I did all that I needed to do. But the year as a whole is a different story. Everyone will agree--junior year was the most hellish year of school that we've ever been through. For me it seemed like there was never a time when I didn't have at least two ongoing projects, along with a week's worth of procrastinated math homework, along with all the usual daily homework from physics and APUSH. It was hell--but the weird thing is--if I were given a chance to go through it all over again--I'd take it without any hesitation. I'm really regretting how I handled myself this year--had I listened to what people and teachers had to say about this year beforehand, I wouldn't have made the mistakes that I did. I slacked off. I did bare minimum. I didn't try to excel at all. Sure as J would say, a 4.0 flat semester GPA isn't anything to lose sleep over--but what IS going to keep me from sleeping without a twinge of regret is that I didn't do my best...

This was supposed to be the year that I show the world (at least, my little part of it) the best that I am, the potential that I have, and I've wasted it all away, just trying to get to the next weekend. In my mind, at least, I know that I can be so much more--I even believe that I can rule the world (figuratively) if I wanted to--and yet, I can't do anything without the recognition. It's kinda hard feeling good about myself when no one else knows it. Well, it's not all over just yet. There still is this summer left. And I'll be damned if I let myself waste this all away. But I don't know where to start... I don't think I'm gonna get myself out of this routine. I have three months of summer ahead of me, but I don't feel free. I still feel like I have some huge project to finish, or a ton of late homework to turn in. And I guess my subconscious mind knows more than I do, I DO have a lot of things to do this summer. College apps, scholarships, in addition to the usual work/fun routine. Plus some... extra stuff. But yea, I'm not gonna procrastinate all this work--my wake up call was yesterday when I learned that Sabahat is already doing stuff for college--no way that I can let myself get lost behind. Cuz that would be a huge waste. Too huge for this world. As for me... I'd lose my raison d'être.

Bubble Bath

Jun 24 - People have been asking my about my new bubble bath obsession... well, here's the explanation:

Here's the full Bubble Bath Convo

I wish I could just go back... back to when I felt truly at peace with myself, with my life, and without a care in the world other than a deep unconscious curiosity of where I was going...

Problems...

Jun 26 (1:45 AM) - I started writing this reflection, then moved it onto a Word document so I could write it more personally. But... It gives background to the above reflection, so I'll just put it in here--minus names.

Reflection - Angry For No Damn Reason

Jun 26 (1:54 AM) - Wow... I just prayed for the first time in... too long to remember, and wow, it just made me feel so much better. No you don't understand, it wasn't just some... oh I'm sorry for this, thank you for that--but it was like... a whole coming back BOOM. I've been talking about religion a lot lately, and I've become in my mind more and more detached to the heart of Christianity. Not more than a month ago, I said that "I graduated religion," in that I as an individual was above religion. But now... I'm realizing how... I don't know how to say it. I don't want to discredit all that I've discovered philosophically over the past few months, but just now, while praying, I found an inner comfort that I had been missing for so long. I hesitate to admit anything--it might just have been the act of speaking for all my problems, my guilt, and my hopes--but I felt as if some great burden was lifted away. My mind grew slightly clearer, and I just felt so much better--so much that I actually had tears in my eyes (thank you mylifeNchoice!). Well those might have been from the fake sleeping I was thinking of doing earlier.  I don't know what God's answer might have been, but perhaps that was it. I really need to rethink my graduation of religion. (LOL--I knew this would happen. I just went beyond my boat.) Talking to God through prayer is unlike talking to any one person--it's so much... different than that. I said so much in this last prayer.

Jun 28 - Damn, I'm hungry. My sleep cycle is totally messed up--didn't sleep last night, slept today at 7 PM, woke up at 2 AM--I'm so damn hungry. Ah.. but I'm more bored. Let's go online... Eh... no one but the usual people.

Damn, I'm hungry. My sleep cycle is totally messed up--didn't sleep last night, slept today at 7 PM, woke up at 2 AM--I'm so damn hungry. Ah.. but I'm more bored. Let's go online... Eh... no one but the usual people.

Sailor Elysion: hey alex
Sailor Elysion: want to set up an oekaki board?
ReJoovenation: what's an oekaki board?
Sailor Elysion: it's a computer board
Sailor Elysion: where you can draw
Sailor Elysion: go to www.morbid-prince.com
ReJoovenation: lol -- "This site contains foul language and contents of homosexuality"
Sailor Elysion: ignore that!!
Sailor Elysion: LoL
Sailor Elysion: just enter~!!
ReJoovenation: uh huh

Why should I go here? Nothing seems to be worth doing and everything seems pointless. Why am I here? Why am I writing this? Because I have nothing better to do at 4 AM in the morning. Oekaki board... not too interesting. I need something more--something new, something radically different from what I'm used to doing. Maybe I'm just too hungry to think straight. Can hunger mess with emotions too?

No, but I'm serious when I said I need something new. I need to meet new people, maybe get to know some better. I just can't stand doing the same thing everyday with the same people. The things I'm used to doing just aren't satisfying anymore. I need change.

I'm writing this out of desperation--a minute ago, I was seriously thinking of dismantling the Angelex website--at least temporarily: if I'm not going to keep updating it, why should it even be online? It's almost dead--like I feel I'm becoming. Of course, not dead literally--I'm still going to be crawling through the summer, day by day--but Angelex, and perhaps I myself have lost the passion. But what can I do that will satisfy me, when everything I think of seems meaningless? I guess I want to talk--that's the only thing I can think of that means anything to me now, but no one's awake now.

Sailor Elysion: okay whatever I'm going to sleep
Sailor Elysion: be a good future ruler of the world
Sailor Elysion: and don't step on any frogs
Sailor Elysion: c-ya later
ReJoovenation: okay
ReJoovenation: bye...

Even everyone online is going to sleep. Why am I the only one awake now? Is this some sort of punishment for my idleness? I'm still hungry. I can't believe this--nothing to do but to satisfy my basic needs for survival, nothing I can do to satisfy my human needs. No one is online anymore, I'm isolated beyond help. I need to change--at least I have that desire. It's almost all I have left though. 

The reason I was so depressed yesterday was because--I have so much time on my hands, but there's nothing to do with it. I try to find something to do--go to Priscilla's house, go to Rohit's house, desperately trying to keep that time--which I see as being so valuable--from just slipping way. But none of it seemed to be worth it. I have so much of that valuable time, and yet it continues to just slip away. Gone, without being used for anything worth using it for. I can't live like this. Time is like money in a way--there's so much you can do with it before it's spent--but once it's gone--it's only worth as much as what you did with it. If time is money, then I'm rich as anyone else in the beginning of every day; but where do I spend it? Some people spend it on their dreams, their passion, their love--but they spend it with satisfaction. I feel I'm being given so much money, but I can't find anything worth spending it on--and it just keeps slipping away. Frustrates me at times, depresses me mostly. And I'm still hungry. The hours go by, just as the days do--and now that I think of it, the years seem to be doing the same. I've lived what... 6,606 days? Has my life been worth 6,606 days worth of time? Some other people out there might have lived more, the same, or less, but their lives are more enriched then mine. Six thousand days--that's a lot of time. If I can't make my life worth at least that much, then it might as well be a closed website. That's what matters to me now--making my life worth its days.

After I eat, I'm going to force myself to sleep--at least a little. Tomorrow is a new day, a new set of 86,400 seconds. I need to do something. Wake up early, go running maybe. I don't really need to find new people--I just need to find something worth caring for. To find something worth living for. And then, maybe I won't have to lose any sleep over it.

(this is going to be written like a Xanga, or Blog until I make my own)

Oh wow, I just spent the entire night doing... stuff that I don't usually spend the night doing. I've been doing a lot of thinking about people lately. When the night was still young, I wanted to talk to people (40 some people were online--a record for a summer day) but there wasn't anyone that I could find enough of a reason to talk to. There were lots of people online that I haven't talked to in a long time, but I didn't feel like doing any catch up talking. It really seems like BS anyway ("how have you been doing?"; "oh fine... you?"; "life is good"). But I kind of find it hard to talk to closer friends either because... unless something's happening, there really isn't much to say. Pretty much anything interesting seems to have been said already, so conversations with those people also fall into BS convos. But here's something more timely, but still nothing frighteningly new. Nick's found a new girl interest--good for him--(ahead of the rest of us already) but for some reason she lives in Connecticut. Though I have hopes, somehow I doubt this relationship will hold or yield anything interesting. He could have found someone around here really...

P-La's fallen into residual depression again (usual topic--the only thing she ever gets depressed with) and I spent some time trying to console her--till about two in the morning. She said she wouldn't eat any of the food we make tomorrow (which I doubt) but you never know. I've come to take her seriously when she says things like that. I said I'd try praying for her before I slept, but now it's 6 AM, and I haven't slept yet--thus haven't prayed yet either. What have I been doing? I have no idea where those four hours have gone. I was writing a People Profile in Priscilla Loktien Ian (long time friends might remember these from last year--it's when I take a person, and analyze them), when I got it in my mind to talk to Jason. Jason Wei. Under normal circumstances I'd never talk to the kid, but 2 AM in the morning, but I was feeling, like I wanted to help someone--after failing to help P-La enough. Anyway, I think I did a lot of good--I helped him figure out how to get Japanese programs to work, and told him how much of a retard (with euphemism) he was. I think I helped. I also gave away a big secret...I'm not sure if I should have done that.

Anyway, OK, I spent the rest of the time looking up old conversations that I have saved up. I read some of Jabali's--and oh my God--he sounds like a huge dumbass, but at the same time, I'm beginning to see how impactful our boycott had been. And now he's gone. I also read a bunch of other convos. Good memories. Will tell later--for now--I need to go pray before someone wakes up.

Hope for Problems

[Saturday, July 19, 2003 1:36 AM]

Yay, I'm feeling happy tonight. I've been writing what you might call a "history" of my relationships (platonic--mostly) with my best several friends, and I'm seeing so many changes since... even from the time school ended, but a lot more before that. Summer has done things to all of us, some bothering, but I'm feeling a lot better now... I think. Or maybe I'm fooling myself to feel better. Bah, it doesn't matter I guess, as long as I feel better long enough to go to sleep. I wish mylifeNchoice was online so I can tell her that I feel better--not that she'd care too much, but I'd feel better that way.

Anyway, once I'm done with that History, I'll put it up for the world to read... or maybe not. I did something like this last year--here's one I wrote about Jabali way back. I don't know what really motivated me to start writing this. I guess it was just me being bothered by changes--but it's all making sense now, and I'm actually okay with it and feeling a little better about it. I'm not sure if I want to put it online. It might backfire. Oh whatever. All in good time.

Jabali... that's another issue. He's been having the hugest problems in India to a point where he said "i take back everything good I ever said about India". Great... he realizes that only AFTER he gets there. But yea, I'm really worried about his well-being. The best I could do now was just emailing him, telling him that I understand what he's going through--I was going to do the same thing if my parents made me move--and that he needs to just sit tight and hang in there--what else could I say? If only there was something we could do...

Operation: Rescue Jabali--is it impossible?

Jul 20 - Well well now, aren't I feeling a whole lot better? I don't know who reads what's on this site anymore, but I don't care. I need to get this out so I know that I'm really truly happy.... (incomplete)

Passion from Compassion

Jul 23 (1:28 AM) - Well with regards to relationships, things are happening very quickly, and unexpectedly. I'm beginning to see Anubhav as a damn lucky bastard (and maybe even P-La)--not because of her as an individual, but just because they have found real love. If you've ever talked to me about love, then you'd know when I say "real love" I'm talking about compassion that can exist in any relationship, as in family or friends, or b/g relationships. They have mutually found someone that knows them more than (almost) anyone else, and yet out of that compassionate friendship, passionate love sprung up. I'm happy for them, but at the same time, I'm beginning to feel a little... left behind. (How dare he...). Maybe I'm over idealizing this, but what I just said is what I want to find. And this new situation of theirs makes me hopeful for myself. The "compassion" was built up so fast, but its solid, and its real. I was worried that because I kept moving around, I would never find that compassion, but I have, in the form of our little group--each person there. I've really known P-La for less than a year and yet there is, and has already been an unbelievable level of friendship built up. So that makes me hopeful for my future, that I can find someone out there, that I can build up a "best friend" level of compassion, and then, when the time is right, find that spark of passion. ;-)

I'm idealistic, no?

I finished having a very long conversation with Nick (by his standards), and I've realized that... I've grown very very detached from him. I realized that at Anubhav's house earlier tonight--that when we talk of Nick, it's as if he's not even a part of our group. Nick is still one of my best friends (like I've said before, I'm always reluctant to say "best") and one of the best to talk to, and I really can't continue such phoniness. I realized that he wants a lot of the same things that I do, and I tried to give him the best possible advice. But

Agitation from Impatience

Jul 24 (12:48 AM) - Right now, I'm feeling something that... I can't explain yet. I've crossed some weird threshold--and I've fallen into more than I can understand on the spot. You ask, "What the hell is wrong with me?" I can't answer that because I just am not sure. I think that I'm one of the most metacognitive people around--you know, people that try to understand why they feel a certain way when they do--but right now I'm confused again (this problem is not directly related to when I was confused earlier last week). I could be like Jason--just take a break from everything while I let what's bothering me settle--but I know I wouldn't be satisfied that way. I need some sort of comfort that I can settle into right now.

I'm very sure that the new developments reenergized these "issues" that have been bothering me for so long. But I think he said it right when he said that.

Stupidity

Jul 30 (4:09 AM) - An open prayer:
Dear Lord,

I really don’t know what to say right now… I usually come to you when I need guidance—I usually believe that all I need is a finger point and maybe a prod in the right direction, but right now, I’m in a problem that rests totally out of my control. I don’t know what to say… just please, help me do what I need to do to get out of this mess as quickly and painlessly as possible. I ask for forgiveness for not understanding what exactly I did wrong… please, show me the way… I also hope that you can give guidance to the others involved in this mess.

In the Lord Jesus’ name, I dedicate this prayer. Amen.

Okay, wow, I just got back home from the Lisle police station. Needless to say, I’ve made a grave mistake, but not the one that the world is going to think I made, and not the one that I’m going to get in trouble for. I don’t know what to feel right now. I’m worried about the legal consequences of my actions, but I’m worried most of all for my other friends who are probably in worse problems than I am. As for me, I thank God for giving me understanding parents who’ve been through as much in their youth, and the lenient village ordinances.

But I still made a mistake. I would be lying if I said that I blame my curiosity. I didn’t let my curiosity override my judgment; I knew fully what I was doing, and thought that I had everything planned out so well. We covered everything, our own safety especially, but I didn’t think that such a little stupid thing would get us into this mess. That’s what I blame—not my curiosity, not anyone in particular. Just the fact that I didn’t listen to the voice inside my head that said…

I don’t know if I should be feeling guilty—my mom seems to think I do—but I understand myself better than she does. I really don’t know what to say to my other friends… especially Anubhav. I’ve realized that I can always trust him to put me on the safe path. He’s not stupid (or smarter than we are), just… a little more careful and maybe a little less daring. I have so much respect for that—but my mistake wasn’t ignoring his advice (I didn’t—I took it to heart, and still went on with our reasoned plan). The thing is though… this time; the problem was very much outside my control, so I’m having a hard time blaming myself. My curiosity is not the problem, no way. Just my stupidity. Our stupidity. I wish this night was still young, and then maybe I’d think to leave the garage door closed.

While I was at… that place, I really wanted to talk to someone, someone that could just… understand. But everyone was asleep… God, I still can’t believe how stupid we were… and now we’re going to pay for that stupidity. This sucks. July 30th, 2003. I'm going to remember this day forever.

Epiphany

One day, a few months ago while I was lying in bed I suddenly had a thought. And from that thought, for one brief instant, I felt as if I knew it all. I felt as if I knew the true meaning of existence. But as quickly as that feeling came, it passed, leaving me wide-awake and in a sense of awe, even as I tried to grasp the feeling back. But what I was feeling at that point I cannot remember clearly. All I know is that it felt good. It was pure ecstasy to know what I was doing here in this world; alive in this body. Maybe it was a kind of message... a higher being trying to tell me that there is hope in my life; that there is a reason for living. Whatever it was, it gave me hope. Hope is good.

Where has the Summer Gone? - Xander

Aug 18 - I don't get how this keeps on happening. Like every year, it seems like the two and a half month long summer has just... disappeared. School starts in 10 days, and it looks like I'm definitely not emotionally ready yet. Ten days seems so short, but I know that once school starts, I won't even be able to dream of 10 days with no school. Arggg... I can't imagine being back in school... this summer has actually had a lot of changes in it for me. Spiritually, socially, emotionally, I've matured and I feel like I'm a better person, but once school starts, who knows what will happen? Will I be able to keep my new found maturity? Or will those changes crumble as I fall under the pressure? I don't know... but school is coming whether I like it or not. I just wish I had another month or so to prepare myself.

It's Senior year! Another thing I can't believe. I remember asking in first grade how many grades there were. She said that there were 12. Back then, that was way longer than I had been living; it seemed like school would last forever. Forever. Well, "forever" went by and now we've finally reached the end of the ladder. We're at the top! It's senior year! Looking back at the past 13 years (counting kindergarten) almost makes me want to say "wow, I can't believe I've gone through so much." It's so much easier now, looking back that is--than looking forward. At least until now, all I had to do was climb that ladder through the clouds. Now what am I supposed to do? There's no path for me to follow except the one I make... where am I supposed to go? I trust God to take me where I need to go...

...but I'm not ready to fly just yet. I should have spent more of the last 12 years preparing for what's to come after. After 2004 there isn't any more ladder through the clouds. I must be ready to fly.

(dang... i wish i was good at writing poetry... someone poem-ize this!)

Foundation Lost

Aug 17 - Okay, well--I'm having the night of my life... I won't mention any names this time, because I've found out first hand that it can lead to trouble. I can't  believe that this whole thing is connected with the amazing week at Teen Camp. After TC  was over, I felt so happy. I felt as if my foundation was complete; spiritually I've found my belief, and socially I've found my circle. I spent so much work and went through so much to reach that point, and I was finally there. I felt ready to go out of my safe circle and face anything because I knew that I'll always have something to fall back to--something that I'll never lose. Was I wrong?

I said last Sunday evening that I felt as if one of my pillars of my foundation had broken down. To me that was a huge huge loss. I didn't even know what made me so sad though--maybe because of that, I got over it, and was feeling even better a few days later. Tonight, it's happened again, but this time I know why--and I'm not going to forget it.